All these self-driving vehicles… It’s only a matter of time before we hear a country song about his truck leaving him. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Someone from Facebook Marketplace is coming over to either buy the chairs I have for sale, or to murder me. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I be telling people, “I respect your decision,” and I really don’t. The decision is always something stupid, and I just don’t want to engage any further. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If anyone wants to sponsor me, I’ll be running a 0.002K this weekend to raise awareness for laziness. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Took a break from Twitter for my mental health, so I’d figure I’d come back to ruin it again. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Whoever named it overthinking didn’t think hard enough, cause overthinking is never over. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I have been so toxic and horny lately, I should probably start, like, reading a book or something. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I wish men had sluttier outfit options. Because why am I in a mini skirt, and you’re in a quarter zip? Posted onMay 29, 2026
A woman’s way of flirting is thinking about you until you get the urge to reach out to her. Posted onMay 29, 2026
US etiquette question: Do you need to tip the guy at the border who reads your last five years of social media history? Posted onMay 29, 2026
Being a procrastinator and a perfectionist means you’re stressed about work … that you haven’t even started yet. Posted onMay 29, 2026
AI could never replace me, you can’t put this much self-loathing into a machine. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Sometimes I wonder if the strangers I see when I go outside are actually the people I talk to online. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My guardian angel is probably preoccupied with sports betting apps and generative AI, that’s why she’s letting all these bad things happen to me. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I don’t want your hoodie, I want your still-beating heart presented to me in a box. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Life hack: You don’t need white noise to sleep when you have constant ringing in your ears. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Male barista called me “my love” yesterday and didn’t say it today… getting mixed signals and feeling really upset. Posted onMay 29, 2026
When you realize a 9 to 5 is actually an 8 to 7, since you cannot teleport to work. Posted onMay 29, 2026
You’re not a real baddie until a man has tried to forbid you from posting on social media. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Are you mad at me? Have you been mad at me? Will you be mad at me? When will you be mad at me? Posted onMay 29, 2026
The whole “read before you go to bed to get sleepy” thing does not apply to me because I will be up till 5 a.m. if the book is worth it. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My kids want to know what’s for dinner, like they’re going to be happy with the answer. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Asking my boyfriend if he would still date me if an alien had done experiments on me that killed me but, as a gesture of kindness, replaced me with a perfect replica, and he was the only one who knew. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Bartender asked me to give his place a one-star Google review to keep the vibe lowkey. Insane method. Posted onMay 29, 2026