Can’t wait to overuse the “My husband said,” “Let me phone my husband,” “I’ll ask my husband.” Posted onMay 29, 2026
I don’t remember if I was 43 or 44 before my birthday, so now I don’t know if I’m 44 or 45. That’s your 40’s. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Twitter hits different, cause it’s like the only social media app you can use effectively while playing music. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Sometimes I’ll do a random act of kindness, like keeping my mouth shut, for example. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Having to confirm your past purchases over the phone with your bank’s fraud department is a truly harrowing moment of self-examination for chronic little treat buyers. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario and how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal but had no milk, so I used ice cream. Posted onMay 29, 2026
The best part of Thanksgiving is being with family and friends, and a vast array of pies. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Thanksgiving is just me trying to look cute while holding a fork like a medieval warrior. Posted onMay 29, 2026
My bit for Thanksgiving is going to be constantly bringing up politics, but pronouncing every politician’s name slightly incorrectly. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Facing my uncle’s dreaded lightning bolt attack at the Thanksgiving dinner table. Posted onMay 29, 2026
In an effort to keep our house clean before Thanksgiving, I’ve asked my family to go live somewhere else. Posted onMay 29, 2026
This Thanksgiving, don’t ask me questions about my life, just pass the mashed potatoes. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Being called ‘my love’ is probably the cutest thing, like yes, that’s me. I’m the one you love. I’m the only one you love. I’m your love. Say it again. Posted onMay 29, 2026
If someone drunk texts you, appreciate it. They’ve thought of you when they can barely think straight. Posted onMay 29, 2026
It’s almost time to switch from my everyday anxiety to my fancy Christmas anxiety. Posted onMay 29, 2026
He doesn’t realize it yet, but this Saturday, I’ll be asking him to untangle 400 feet of Christmas lights. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Every Friday, I’m like, “This weekend I’m getting my life together,” and then… I don’t. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Major cheat code in life: ask for the big, unreasonable thing. The universe meets you at your level of audacity. Posted onMay 29, 2026
So basically, companies pay YouTube to show ads, and we pay YouTube to not show ads. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Every morning I wake up and make the worst possible time management decisions anyone has ever made. Posted onMay 29, 2026
Getting tipsy at a dimly lit restaurant with good conversation would heal me right now. Posted onMay 29, 2026
I find pleasure in closing tabs in my wife’s brain. This worry… done. That task… complete. Posted onMay 29, 2026