Stay humble and play dumb. People reveal who they truly are when they think they are smarter than you. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If I don’t reply, assume I opened your message, nodded, and then got distracted. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The bank just called and gave me the biggest compliment, said my balance is outstanding. I really needed that today. Posted onMay 28, 2026
In a packed elevator, everyone is silent. Stomach: I will now demonstrate the mating call of a whale. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I love when I see a really beautiful car, and I look inside, and it’s a beautiful woman. That’s fire. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Your dog immediately knows you’re leaving when you put on nice clothes… only because you usually look homeless when you’re at home. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If A-B-C-D didn’t take their sweet time in the alphabet song, LMNOP wouldn’t have to sprint every time. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I like you, I might be picturing you on fire. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I knew school was a scam when my business teacher didn’t own a business, and my PE teacher was fat. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Fact: Snow in November happens because people decorate for Christmas prematurely. You know who you are. Stop it. Posted onMay 28, 2026
It’s officially Christmas shopping season, and I can’t even afford my own life. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Shout out to the people getting $400 hotel rooms on Feb 14th to do the same two positions they do at home. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Women only want one thing, and it’s the power to cast men who tell us to smile right into a pit of giant venomous serpents. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Telemarketer: “Hello, am I speaking to the head of the household?” Me, handing the phone to my cat: “It’s for you.” Posted onMay 28, 2026
A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there… Thanks for keeping me off the streets. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I’m either at work, going to work, coming home from work, getting ready for work, getting some sleep for work, or thinking about not wanting to go to work. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Roses are red, tacos are delicious. I use paper plates, ’cause I hate doing dishes. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If you respond to my sarcasm with better sarcasm, then I might just catch feelings. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Resting bitch face saves me from so many conversations I don’t want to be part of. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Someone you haven’t talked to in forever will show up in your dream just to do a backflip. Posted onMay 28, 2026
In Hell, “Cotton Eye Joe” plays on an eternal loop. The heat and fire are actually pleasant compared to that. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Best thing about TikTok is you literally don’t need to follow anyone to have a good time. Posted onMay 28, 2026
When I get married, I want my wedding video to be filmed like it’s an episode of The Office. I want camera zooms, eye contact, side commentary— all of it. Posted onMay 28, 2026
The only Spanish I know is buenas noches, which means bonus nachos – like finding forgotten tortilla chips in your cargo shorts. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Girls who leave clothing reviews with their height, weight, and size ordered are going to heaven. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If you talk about astrology, and no one stops you, it means you must be incredibly pretty. Posted onMay 28, 2026