Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service? Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Clicked on ‘Make a reservation’ on a restaurant’s page, and it opened FaceTime and started calling them. I cannot stress enough how much I do not want that to happen. Posted onMay 28, 2026
One minute you’re young and fun, the next you’re excited about a new vacuum cleaner. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Dogs have two jobs: calm their humans when they are stressed. Stress their humans when they are calm. Posted onMay 28, 2026
My dental plan is, “I guess I’ll just chew on this side of my mouth from now on.” Posted onMay 28, 2026
“We’re the only species that drinks milk after infancy, dairy is bad for you!” We’re also the only species that drinks peach mango pineapple spirulina kale smoothies, Karen. Let me eat my cheese in peace. Posted onMay 28, 2026
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So, in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Dads hate stopping on road trips because then all of the vehicles they worked hard to pass for the last hour get back ahead of them. Posted onMay 28, 2026
A delivery driver just asked for my date of birth. I said, “94.” He replied, “Is that 1994?” Oh, sorry mate, no. My bad, that was 1794. Right around the French Revolution. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Handing over my ID at the post office. The clerk said, “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.” I said, “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.” Posted onMay 28, 2026
Just gave my boyfriend an incorrect direction in the car, and he sighed and muttered to himself, “Never assign to malice what can be attributed to incompetence.” Posted onMay 28, 2026
I know so many people with cats, and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat. Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like, ‘Yeah, he just moved in.’ Posted onMay 28, 2026
If she forgives you, then 30 minutes later comes back mad again: that means she told her friends in her group chat, and the board of directors did not agree. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Tons of names in my phones are “Kenny Landlord,” “Mike Electric,” or “Pete Do Not Answer,” and I just realized this is how Anglo surnames have always worked. Posted onMay 28, 2026
School reunion is a scam… nobody is missing anyone, they just want to know whether you have made it in life or not. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Watching my wife absolutely hate my daughter’s boyfriend while being nice and hospitable to him has made me question every interaction I’ve had with another human being in my life. Posted onMay 28, 2026
My psych professor asked if we’d heard of Pavlov. I said, “It rings a bell.” No one laughed; I’m too witty for this class. Posted onMay 28, 2026
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while you sleep. Next morning, iPhone: I couldn’t do it, bro. Just didn’t feel right. Vibe was off. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Marriage is where you gasp while your husband is driving, and he gets super annoyed over and over. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Once I started spending my own money, I realized my mom was right. We do have food at home. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Printers and computers treat each other like they broke up the night before, and you’re their mutual friend. Posted onMay 28, 2026
If life was a video game, right now would be the time where I randomly press buttons because I don’t know what to do. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke. Posted onMay 28, 2026
You are depressed because your ancestors fought, danced, and ate meals together, and you eat alone in the dark while staring at a glowing rectangle. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I think fathers lose their mind a little bit when they realize their daughters aren’t as forgiving as their wives. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Women pretending not to see men staring at them is an essential survival skill. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I used an air fryer for the first time tonight, and I feel like I just discovered fire. Posted onMay 28, 2026
Not only is Santa not real, there are also no horny singles in your area wanting to meet you. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I calculated my December budget and realized everyone is getting a hug for Christmas. Posted onMay 28, 2026
My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses. Posted onMay 28, 2026
I just be giggling, then start thinking about bills and remember ain’t nothing funny. Posted onMay 28, 2026