Saturday nights are for watching zombie shows and dreaming about the apocalypse.

52 shares on Telegram this month:

You amuse me, Jester. You may enter my bed chambers.

82 shares on Facebook this month:

Someone needs to invent a theater seat that forcefully ejects you through the roof if you take your phone out during a movie.

64 shares on TikTok this month:

If you need me, I’ll be in the shower pretending I can sing.

16 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Legos are too expensive nowadays. They should go back to costing as much as they did when my parents paid for them.

49 shares on Facebook this month:

Things will be fine, eventually—in thousands of years—for rocks.

97 shares on Slack this month:

Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler.

22 shares on Messenger this month:

Basketball’s all like “gimme that pumpkin, I need it” and golf is all like “***k this egg, imma hit it into the sun”

76 shares on Pinterest this month:

“Left alone” would have been the right answer as a child to the question of what I wanted to be when I grew up.

48 shares on WhatsApp this month:

If you don’t have dating allegations with your best friend, you are not bestfriending hard enough.

42 shares on Messenger this month:

“Oh, I’d love to but I can’t.” Translation: I don’t want to so I won’t.