Some days you feel like you’re surrounded by idiots, other days you realize it’s not just some days.

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I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

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I tried meowing back at the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.

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80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful.

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I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

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The sluttiest thing a man can do is have an ethical dilemma over his lust for you.

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When I was a young boy, the doctor told me I had a lazy eye. By the time I was 50, it had spread to the rest of my body.

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I don’t care about life on other planets. I don’t even have a life on this one.

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Skin coloured leggings should be illegal.

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I bought a little notebook to keep track of who’s above the law.

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Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”