Stop expecting people to be as cool as you, it’s a recipe for disappointment.

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It’s messed up how us humans have to obey all these laws while bears get to eat whoever they want.

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Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny, then all of a sudden you know trigonometry.

Someone from 🇨🇫 has viewed:

The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower.

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No longer praying on your downfall. I will be directly involved.

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What doesn’t kill you makes you weird at intimacy.

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I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here.

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I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

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75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

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My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

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A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.