The hardest thing about chess is the other guy is always doing some shit.

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Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.

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I wasn’t sure why the doctor prescribed LSD for my constipation, until I saw a dragon and shit myself.

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All these microplastics in me could at least do some repair work to my knees and back while they’re in there.

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Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently, you can say literally anything there.

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There should be a three-day weekend: one day to do nothing, one day to do something, and one day to do laundry.

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Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen.

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Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

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Being an adult is crazy. Because what the hell is going on?

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When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.

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“Well, at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination.