The worst thing is finding out the “sweet guy” is just a lustful loser.

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Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘I don’t know how to hold a pencil.’

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If history is repeating itself, when can I buy a pet dinosaur?

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My goal weight is getting a magician to saw me in half.

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Coffee ain’t gonna cut it today. I need the blood of my enemies.

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You know you’re really stressed when you start getting on your own nerves.

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I love men with a provider fetish.

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Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

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I don’t miss calls, I stare at them.

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I just got lied to by 3K+ people. That recipe was awful.

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I have a huge to-do list, I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it.