Therapy is life letting you speak to the manager.

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Tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win.

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My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

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Robots eating a bowl of cereal that’s actually a bunch of nuts and bolts, you don’t see that as much anymore.

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I don’t fight my demons anymore. We collaborate.

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Much of my algorithm is based on when I paused while scrolling to grab a snack.

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Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

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I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.

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If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

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My mom gave me a coffee mug that says “Be your own kind of beautiful” and I’m really trying not to read too much into that.

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The older you get, the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim.