There’s no post-breakup healing process for girls. You just wake up one day and be like, “Ew,” and you’re free.

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Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged?

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The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace.

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I met a microbiologist today. He was a lot bigger than I expected.

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What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?

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I’ve been reading the room for 20 minutes. It’s not looking so good.

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Last time I laid on his chest, I heard girls in there laughing at me.

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I’m the ick in fantastic.

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I feel so bad when I overtake an old person on the sidewalk. Like, man, I really didn’t mean to flex on you with my youthful stride.

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I end all my sentences with “Just saying..” because ending them with “You bonehead..” would probably be considered offensive.

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Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh, fresh out the box.