They say “When you snooze, you lose”… I say “When you take a nappy, you are happy.”

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If Pokémon were real, state fairs would serve them deep fried on a stick.

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If you’re in first class on a flight, sometimes they upgrade you to captain.

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If they stole your post, they probably need it more than you do.

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Remember, you don’t have to worry about being around annoying people in public if you never leave the house.

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I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

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My nickname in high school was “who?”

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Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

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Your 20s are for lusting after furniture you can’t afford actually.

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I need a massage for my brain.

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Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.