“This is a great weekend to clean out the garage,” according to my wife and other people who won’t be cleaning the garage.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has viewed:

Just remember, you don’t need a special reason to buy a cake.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has downloaded:

Both my wife and my doctor said no more jumping on the bed. But they don’t get it. They don’t know what it’s like to live with the Monkey Instinct.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has viewed:

Every time I have to repeat myself, a new curse word gets added into the sentence.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has copied:

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has bookmarked:

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

Someone from 🇲🇾 has bookmarked:

Ever since I turned 20, someone is always in Japan or Italy. Is it like this forever?

Someone from 🇦🇩 has bookmarked:

Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has downloaded:

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has bookmarked:

Waking up has backfired on me so many times.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has bookmarked:

Do you ever wish you could just walk away mid-conversation when you’re bored?