What archaeologists are really looking for is a hand digging back.

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Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

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Half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer.

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Babe, wanna come over and watch me apply for jobs on Indeed until I start to cry.

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I’m as single as a one Dollar bill, and I don’t need any change.

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Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.

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I think, therefore I am. I am, therefore I think. Therefore I am. I think.

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Well, well, well, if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color.

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Gosh, being a princess is exhausting.

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A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.

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Toddlers negotiate like tiny mob bosses: it’s the hard way or the harder way.