“What’s your music taste?” Don’t know, man. If it sounds good, I’m adding it to the playlist.

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Deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring.

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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: “Girl, those vitamins can’t help you now.”

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If I sing “Hello” and you think of “Lionel Richie” and not “Adele,” then you can probably predict the weather with one of your knees.

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Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire”?

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“Please feel free to ignore this email!” Way ahead of you, buddy.

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Lou Read is the name of my favorite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet.

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Men love to show you a YouTube video. It is a sign of deep respect in their culture.

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Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are, I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

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I want a girlfriend so hot that people walking down the street know that I am funny.

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I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian.