When I was a little kid, I used to think, “This little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!

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A fun thing to do at work is call in sick and stay home.

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I see no action figures, puzzles, or board games. I thought you said you wanted to play with me.

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We should all start texting each other like old time explorers. ‘Dearest friend, I have survived another week. The horrors persist.’

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I don’t always clear my calculator, but when I do, I hit both C and CE a bunch of times because I don’t know exactly what they do.

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It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.

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You say “multitask” like it’s a good thing.

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I’m gonna build a pirate ship and sail the high seas. Who’s coming with?

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Companies post open positions online and then ask you why you applied to them.

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Finally my winter fat has gone. I now have spring rolls.

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If you love someone, let them sleep.