Why does the phone ring longer when you’re ignoring the call?

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Tattoo idea for men: spider webs in the corners of the receding hairline.

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Just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean it won’t be a good time.

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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It’s the transition that’s troublesome.

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Confucius says: “Those who drink a lot die earlier, but have seen twice as much in life.”

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Cashews are my favorite because they’re salty and hunched over just like me.

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Whenever I’m with real yappers, I realize I might actually be a listener.

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When I was a kid, we weren’t allowed to use our phones in school. Mainly because the cords wouldn’t reach.

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Insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the Ph. D.! Why are you attacking me? I’m so tired.

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I’ve been following this strict diet all week and so far all I’ve lost is my patience.

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If life could stop teaching me lessons, that would be great.