Why is Saturday over in 7 minutes and Sunday in 4 minutes, but Monday is 84 months long?

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I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

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When my husband says he’ll just be a minute, I know I have enough time to watch an entire television series, paint the house, or go on a quest.

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Went to the hairdresser today and now I look much younger. I’m thinking about going back tomorrow.

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Sometimes our greatest achievement in life is being able to survive our own thoughts.

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Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

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Sorry for being so cringey and awkward. It will definitely happen again.

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Terrifying if taken literally—if these walls could talk.

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I’m sorry for inventing the universe.

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Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

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My superpower is always picking the line at the grocery store that moves the slowest.