Winnie the Pooh had the right idea in this goddam heat. Crop top with his honey pot facing the world.

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Stupid cow blocking the road. HOW DAIRY!

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To whoever stole my oversized clock, you owe me big time.

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I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

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As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

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I be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb.

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Who’s up thinking about the crushing weight of existence?

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You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long.

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Seen an ambulance at the hospital. I hope the doctors are okay.

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Parenting a teenager is surreal because you’ll be sitting there, and some dude who is much taller than you will walk around the corner and ask you how to open a popcorn bag.

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Being a dinosaur sounds kinda nice. No bills, no work, just extinct.