You are depressed because your ancestors fought, danced, and ate meals together, and you eat alone in the dark while staring at a glowing rectangle.

72 shares on Messenger this month:

The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up.

65 shares on Threads this month:

I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!

79 shares on Twitch this month:

Have you ever been sitting around overthinking about overthinking, and then wonder why you’re even thinking that?

93 shares on YouTube this month:

Packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix.

33 shares on Messenger this month:

Relationship goal: synchronizing our eye rolls.

33 shares on Messenger this month:

It’s amazing how music can transport you to another place. For example, this coffee shop is playing Justin Bieber, so I’m going to another restaurant.

59 shares on Instagram this month:

When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk.

48 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

93 shares on LinkedIn this month:

It’s time I admit something: Sometimes, when I say good night, I don’t actually go to bed right away.

43 shares on Snapchat this month:

“Where did all your money go?” I’m either wearing it or eating it.