80 percent of my life now is just “hmmmm… should I bring my jacket or not?”

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Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are, I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

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It’s strange that we say time is a great healer when it kills 100% of people.

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Dear Stomach, you’re bored, not hungry. So shut up.

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I enjoy excess, but only in moderation.

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When I say I’m Christmas shopping the “for myself” is silent.

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One day you’re young and fun, and the next thing you know, you’re staring out of a window for no reason.

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Well, at least my cat is supportive of me doing less and laying around more.

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There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

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Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.

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I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.