If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom, then I am absolutely nailing it.

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My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

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When I hear the word “horror”, the first thing I think of is bills, not Halloween.

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Twitter sucks so much, but randomly there are such funny tweets, so I wait, like a frog, for one delicious fly.

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Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

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God: “I used to work in mysterious ways but now I’m unemployed.”

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Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering.

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I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

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I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning, but I also want to be happy.

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Іf you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember that nobody loves you on any other day of the year either.

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I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night.