I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 a.m. and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has downloaded:

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

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I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

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Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult.

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Born to be quiet and mysterious, forced to yap whenever I get the chance.

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Not all who wander are lost. Some are just moms. In Target. Hiding from their children.

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Going to a wedding really reminds me of the important things in life. Like cake.

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If you’re the type of person who likes to be left alone, I’m with you. Better yet, I’m not with you.

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Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all.

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Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has downloaded:

Being in college when The Chainsmokers dropped Closer was an experience to say the least.