Please leave me alone. I’m just a 3,000-year-old time-traveling alien who is trying to return to his home planet.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has copied:

I’m doing a terrific job of not getting anything done today.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has downloaded:

That “never again” talk with yourself after a certain experience is always funny.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has downloaded:

Getting a key tattoo, but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo, so no one ever finds it.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has viewed:

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has bookmarked:

“So if I had kids, my kids would never…” Spoiler: Yes, they would.

Someone from 🇰🇪 has viewed:

Having children is a pyramid scheme.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has copied:

I want a man who doesn’t annoy me while I’m constantly getting on his nerves. It can’t be that difficult.

Someone from 🇴🇲 has copied:

Flirting back when you’re bored can really get you into some unwanted situations.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has bookmarked:

I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has downloaded:

There’s a special place in hell for people like you (next to me).