Is there a rehab for introverts who try to extrovert? Asking for a friend.

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So tired of looking in my wallet and not finding $10,000

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The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college. The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.

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Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

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Pirate: walks the plank. Someone’s dad: Is this teak?

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Grocery stores should have baskets in the middle of the store for those “I really overestimated how much I can carry” moments.

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Some people are like clouds. When they go away it’s much better.

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My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.

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Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes. Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”.

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One thing that sucks about being grown-up is not being able to say, “My mom said no,” when you don’t want someone to come over.

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That awkward moment when someone you hate is breathing.