Adult friendships are like, “hey girl, let’s keep rescheduling to hangout until one of us dies.”

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Why would I finish my thought when I could have a new, more exciting one?

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Why can’t periods just last for an hour? Like, you made your point, I’m not pregnant, you can leave now.

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Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering.

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There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.

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Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man. Ruin it yourself.

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All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

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Sex is cool, but have you ever made peace with the horror of being alive.

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I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

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Shopping at the dollar store makes me feel rich and poor all at the same time.

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For introverts, the worst kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store.