“At your big age” is one of my favorite insults.

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I hate to brag, but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

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I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

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Life is just a vicious cycle of needing to go to the grocery store.

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I’d rather you don’t watch me while I’m liking my own post.

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I can’t wait to get married so I can bring home unnecessary stuff and get yelled at for it.

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My favorite part about going camping is the part where I stay at home, and I don’t go camping.

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Most people prefer lies. The truth just hits them like a WiFi outage, and then they just stand there, confused and buffering.

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What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ‘k’ instead of ‘ok’?

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I am brilliantly social for one and a half hours, and then I need to recover in my bedroom cave for two days.

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Croutons feel like an apology. “Sorry we gave you salad. Have some consolation toast.”