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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇨🇿 has shared:

I’m a yapper. I’m a napper. I’m a midnight snacker.

Someone from 🇪🇷 has downloaded:

69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has viewed:

It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has downloaded:

“I” before “E,” except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from weird, feisty, caffeinated weightlifters.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has shared:

Carrying my phone from room to room like a Victorian woman and her lantern.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has shared:

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has bookmarked:

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the doctor is cute, forget the fruit.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has copied:

My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper because she doesn’t want them to see this mess.

Someone from 🇧🇬 has downloaded:

Doc, if I can vibecode anything and everyone else can vibecode anything, then what’s my competitive advantage?

Someone from 🇧🇭 has copied:

The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 19, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Breaking via Facebook:

Roses are red. Pizza sauce is too. I ordered a large. And none of it’s for you.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

I delete posts cause I be getting mature over the hours.

Just shared via Telegram:

Saturdays are for doing absolutely everything or doing absolutely nothing, everybody knows that.

Spotted on Reddit:

I am not responsible for what my face does when you talk.

Spotted on Twitch:

I’m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.

Making waves on Facebook:

I assume people who bookmark my posts are building a case against me.

Bedtime procrastination isn’t a sleep issue. It’s a control issue. It’s about refusing to give up the last part of the day that feels like yours.

3 weeks ago

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Commentary:
Taking bedtime procrastination to an Olympic-level sport 🥇😴 Who needs sleep when you can win the "just one more episode" marathon? 📺😂

bedtime, bedtime procrastination, control, control issue, day, day end, end, feels, give, issue, last, personal, personal time, procrastination, sleep, sleep issue, time, yours

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29 shares on X this month:

Due to unfortunate circumstances, things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious.

12 shares on Instagram this month:

Finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures – it’s my face.

34 shares on TikTok this month:

I hope you all get laid soon, for your own mental health.

69 shares on Telegram this month:

I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have some new ideas.

83 shares on Facebook this month:

Some people are like clouds. When they go away it’s much better.

86 shares on Snapchat this month:

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park.

49 shares on X this month:

I am so tired ever my tiredness is tired.

48 shares on TikTok this month:

You know the nap is good when it left you marks.

24 shares on Snapchat this month:

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again because I have a terrible memory.

11 shares on WeChat this month:

You’re not a real baddie until a man has tried to forbid you from posting on social media.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇮🇷 has bookmarked:

Coworkers are funny. You could see a guy every day for 5 years then he quits and you never see or even think about him again.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has viewed:

“Are you free tomorrow?” No, tomorrow I’m still expensive.

Someone from 🇹🇿 has copied:

I need to start hiding my money from myself.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has viewed:

When I was a kid, there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has viewed:

Normalize saying, “I’m not informed enough to have an opinion on the matter.”

Someone from 🇧🇪 has shared:

The only thing I know about AI is, it desperately wants us to have more fingers.

Someone from 🇲🇾 has viewed:

I like when I walk with people and they note that I’m a fast walker. We’re in a race. We’re in a race and you’re losing actually.

Someone from 🇮🇳 has bookmarked:

It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has shared:

My husband saw a rabbit in our yard eating grass and said “That would be like sitting in a field of french fries.”

Someone from 🇻🇪 has downloaded:

You unfollow me because you are afraid of falling in love with me. I know!

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Threads:

I need a chiropractor for my brain.

Just landed via Facebook:

I was hoping to age like a fine wine, but I sort of feel more like an avocado.

Just landed via Threads:

It’s pretty apt that the ‘i’ is in the middle of ‘hurricane’.

Broadcasted on YouTube:

I only write when I am falling in love, or falling apart.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

Let’s skip the getting-to-know-you phase. Just block me.

Trending via Pinterest:

The lion is starting to concern himself with things he’s been trying to ignore.

Just landed via Messenger:

I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.

Shared recently on YouTube:

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that to my many personalities.

Shared recently on Snapchat:

Wanted to report a YouTube video, but there is no option for “Cringe”, so I just picked “Terrorism”.

Shared recently on Telegram:

Needing to rant and not wanting anyone to know your business is such a crazy combo.

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Activity Log ✨

Bedtime procrastination isn’t a sleep issue. It’s a control issue. It’s about refusing to give up the last part of the day that feels like yours.

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Meetings are a wonderful way to help your employees take a break from being productive.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs.

This coffee is not coffeeing the way I need it to be coffeeing.

My youngest started kindergarten today and I cried, but mostly for his teachers.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Bedtime procrastination isn’t a sleep issue. It’s a control issue. It’s about refusing to give up the last part of the day that feels like yours.

Keep the laugh going 😂

My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.

Meetings are a wonderful way to help your employees take a break from being productive.

I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”

At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs.

This coffee is not coffeeing the way I need it to be coffeeing.

My youngest started kindergarten today and I cried, but mostly for his teachers.

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