Billionaires are so weird. What are you saving up for? Hell?

50 shares on Threads this month:

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

77 shares on Snapchat this month:

I think we all need to go out into an empty field and just scream for about an hour.

19 shares on YouTube this month:

“You’re always sleeping!” God forbid a girl wants to be unconscious.

44 shares on Telegram this month:

I walked into a holiday party, saw someone else already playing with the dog, and realized they’d stolen my entire social strategy.

23 shares on Pinterest this month:

I suppose someone has to do all the consuming and obeying.

86 shares on WeChat this month:

The day after Christmas is a dangerous morning to be a microwave.

21 shares on Threads this month:

My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.

63 shares on Instagram this month:

I’d stalk me too, I get it.

39 shares on WeChat this month:

Do you think working at Pizza Hut would help you get a job at Sunglass Hut? You know, with all that hut experience?

96 shares on Messenger this month:

I don’t see why walking is healthy. Zombies walk constantly and they look awful.