“Communism sounds good in theory, but doesn’t work in practice.” Capitalism doesn’t even sound good in theory.

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I personally feel like I have what it takes to become a fossil.

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Do people who spend a fortune on outdoor heating know they can just go inside?

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Quitting my job to focus more on my desire not to work anymore.

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I like my Jims slim and my chances fat.

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I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes.

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I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

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Only difference between me and someone in a psych ward is I’m outside.

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Weird. I’m the only one naked at this gender reveal party.

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Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

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I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.