For my next trick, I’ll need a divorce lawyer.

80 shares on Snapchat this month:

My wife called to tell me she saw a fox on the way to work. I asked her how she knew it was on its way to work. She hung up on me.

64 shares on WeChat this month:

It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.

100 shares on Messenger this month:

Good morning to everyone who doesn’t get on my nerves.

18 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Coffee should just be free for anybody over 30.

71 shares on Reddit this month:

The only thing I don’t miss about the 90s is people smelling like cigarettes.

26 shares on Telegram this month:

We just accepted air fryers and never once questioned how air fries things.

49 shares on Instagram this month:

I’m bringing back “hold your horses” and nobody can stop me.

89 shares on Messenger this month:

We should start referring to age as “levels.” So when you’re level 80, it sounds a lot cooler than just being an older person.

14 shares on Telegram this month:

I tried to embrace my flaws. They filed a restraining order.

89 shares on Telegram this month:

I want an apartment so big, it changes the way I laugh.