Funny baseball player quotes

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If you ever find yourself as a houseguest for an extended period of time, here is the golden rule for success: invisible by day, charming by night.

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Don’t tell me to trust my gut. Thats where I put my snacks. Clearly that’s where I’m the weakest.

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I’m drinking coffee so I don’t say mean things to you. You’re welcome.

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There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

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Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

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No, I’m not “dating anyone.” I’m really busy playing outside.

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If you ever feel like something’s missing in your life, it’s probably me.

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And then I thought to myself, “What’s the point of cleaning if my family is going to keep living here?”

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IKEA is like the Hotel California of furniture stores.

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Twitter is fun. You kinda just talk to yourself and sometimes someone replies.