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Someone from 🇱🇦 has downloaded:

Sorry for widening my eyes and whispering “The prophecy” when we first met.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has copied:

To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle, we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has viewed:

You can be anything when you grow up. For instance, I am very tired.

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Thanks to AI, some of us went from being told by our parents not to trust the internet to having to tell our parents not to trust the internet.

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There are two types of people at work: Those who work and those who have become pros at looking busy.

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My Facebook friends are like my pen collection. I have 100 but only one writes.

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I told my suitcase we wouldn’t be going on vacation this year; now it’s dead inside and I’m left with emotional baggage.

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I forgot how weird November is. There’s no afternoon; it’s just night after 3 p.m.

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Ragebaiting each other is flirting, btw.

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I deleted Google when I met you because the search was over.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

501 this month

Funny Quotes Total

15,094

Funny Quotes Topics

17,246

Funny Quotes Images

15,094

Updated

Dec 22, 2025

Users Online

3,749

Social Media Log 💫

Trending via Reddit:

Sex is cool, but have you ever received reassurance without asking for it?

Just landed via Slack:

Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.

Just shared via X:

Of course I intermittently fast. That’s when I sleep.

Just shared via WhatsApp:

Show me another rule so I can break that one too.

Seen just now on WeChat:

The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.

Freshly posted on YouTube:

Potatoes make French fries, chips and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Just landed via Facebook:

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

Making waves on Pinterest:

That uncle who kept his distance from the rest of the family will start making more sense to you as you get older.

Shared recently on X:

Single in the womb, single till the tomb!

Live now on Threads:

Don’t let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. You can do that on your own.

Home » Funny Kurt Vonnegut Quotes

Funny Kurt Vonnegut quotes

New funny Kurt Vonnegut quotes 👇

An alcoholic morning show host becoming Secretary of War is some Kurt Vonnegut shit.

0

4 months ago

alcoholic, host, humor, kurt, Kurt Vonnegut, morning, morning show host, satire, secretary, Secretary of War, shit, show, vonnegut, war

All funny Kurt Vonnegut quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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43 shares on Discord this month:

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

81 shares on Reddit this month:

That moment when you dip your cookie in milk for too long and it breaks off, then you wonder why bad things happen to good people.

29 shares on X this month:

“Unavailable” is my favorite state to be in.

71 shares on Pinterest this month:

Computer dating is fine, if you’re a computer.

45 shares on Snapchat this month:

Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!

64 shares on TikTok this month:

There should be a calorie refund for food that didn’t taste as good as you expected.

88 shares on TikTok this month:

I’ve decided to handle this like a mature adult, I’m telling your mom.

38 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Stomach: I will now demonstrate a blue whale’s mating call.

89 shares on Reddit this month:

All my bills say “Outstanding.” I guess I am good to go.

43 shares on Instagram this month:

When I see chocolate, I hear two voices inside me. One says: “Eat it!”. The other says: “Did you hear that? You’re supposed to eat it!”

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇮🇱 has shared:

Back to work at last! I couldn’t sleep for sheer anticipation.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has bookmarked:

You know what part I love about waking up? None of it. Let me sleep!

Someone from 🇬🇪 has shared:

I am convinced that size matters, especially when it comes to the heart.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has bookmarked:

Maybe I’ll quit so I can focus on summer.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has downloaded:

The art of today’s art is to persuade people that it’s art.

Someone from 🇰🇭 has copied:

If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.

Someone from 🇱🇷 has bookmarked:

My chakra went out for cigarettes.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has downloaded:

I would never put up a lost dog poster. I’m not letting the whole neighborhood know I fumbled.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has copied:

All I know for sure is that I could be wrong.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has shared:

I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via LinkedIn:

Jesus spent his time among the mentally ill, the poor and unemployed, the prostitutes. So, in a way, by being on Twitter, we’re like Jesus.

Seen just now on Twitch:

A month in Italy has halved my will to work and doubled my desire for money.

Trending via Discord:

If anything I post makes you mad, just know that it pleases me.

Live now on Threads:

“Girls just want to have fun!” No, I want one million dollars cash.

Seen just now on Threads:

You stop moving your mouse for 5 seconds, and Microsoft Teams will say you never showed up for work.

Broadcasted on Telegram:

The man who invented autocorrect has died. Restaurant in peace.

Making waves on Telegram:

A couple of years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

Broadcasted on WeChat:

Started the year single. Ending the year single. Consistency is key.

Shared recently on Telegram:

Is it just me, or does anybody else get excited about cancelling plans?

Shared recently on Pinterest:

I like my Jims slim and my chances fat.

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Funny Kurt Vonnegut quotes

New funny Kurt Vonnegut quotes 👇

An alcoholic morning show host becoming Secretary of War is some Kurt Vonnegut shit.

All funny Kurt Vonnegut quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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