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Someone from 🇨🇲 has bookmarked:

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later, my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

Someone from 🇹🇹 has shared:

High school crushes were crazy because, why the hell was I running all over school just to catch a glimpse of him.

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My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has shared:

It’s jarring for me when there are British people in the Midwest. How did you get this far inland?

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I do not know how to put this gently, but part of being a good driver is using the gas and brake as little as humanly possible.

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Only mosquitoes find me attractive. Nobody else.

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How long are you allowed to hide in the bathroom during family visits?

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I don’t like violence, but I don’t mind if I get hit by luck.

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The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has viewed:

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

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501 this month

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15,094

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Updated

Dec 22, 2025

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They give smokers all those breaks to make up for the time taken off their lifespan.

Going viral on WhatsApp:

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

Roses are red. Blue got me thinking. I reckon it’s time for some excessive day drinking…

Spotted on YouTube:

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

Just shared via Facebook:

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum, I thought he might be referencing Pokémon.

Going viral on YouTube:

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

Spotted on Threads:

Asking my dentist a question, but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

“New password cannot be your old password” makes me so mad.

Freshly posted on TikTok:

Flying bugs can basically go anywhere they want, but still choose to fly right into your face.

Home » Funny Kurt Vonnegut Quotes

Funny Kurt Vonnegut quotes

New funny Kurt Vonnegut quotes 👇

An alcoholic morning show host becoming Secretary of War is some Kurt Vonnegut shit.

0

4 months ago

alcoholic, host, humor, kurt, Kurt Vonnegut, morning, morning show host, satire, secretary, Secretary of War, shit, show, vonnegut, war

All funny Kurt Vonnegut quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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14 shares on WhatsApp this month:

In search of someone who loves me as much as I love my snooze button.

14 shares on Telegram this month:

Weekends are getting shorter and shorter. You blink and it’s already Sunday 5pm.

98 shares on Slack this month:

There are too many neglected emojis.

48 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Do people who love escape rooms not know about IKEA?

26 shares on WeChat this month:

I don’t rise and shine. I caffeinate and hope.

94 shares on Threads this month:

They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”.

43 shares on Snapchat this month:

If someone leaves your life, it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world.

15 shares on Slack this month:

Everyone talks about climate change, but no one has the courage to sacrifice a virgin to appease the gods.

15 shares on Pinterest this month:

The share button on Reddit should be called Spreddit.

20 shares on Discord this month:

He just walked right into my heart and switched on the lights.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇹 has shared:

God, I’m not trying to rush you for my soulmate; but could I get the tracking number?

Someone from 🇪🇪 has copied:

That uncontrollable urge to hurt myself and others when a film’s subtitles are slightly out of sync.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has copied:

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has downloaded:

I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 a.m. and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has downloaded:

Expecting your first baby’s exciting, but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

Someone from 🇱🇦 has downloaded:

Just drank a big glass of water, and I regret to inform you, they might be right about hydration.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has viewed:

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has bookmarked:

I am convinced that size matters, especially when it comes to the heart.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has shared:

You don’t need to leave a message in a bottle. If the bottle is full of tequila, I’ll get the message.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has shared:

At my age, this “microsleep” can sometimes last hours.

Social Media Log 💫

Going viral on LinkedIn:

If I’m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.

Going bananas on WhatsApp:

A couple of years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

Spreading quickly via YouTube:

I miss whatever age I was when I thought five dollars was a lot of money.

Broadcasted on Messenger:

Netflix will help you finish the name of the movie you’re typing, and then tell you they don’t have it.

Trending via WeChat:

Know what goes good with beer? Another one.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Walking up to any crime scene and whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving.

Making waves on Instagram:

I like to scan my backyard every hour with a high power flashlight to let my neighbors know I won’t tolerate any weirdness around here.

Just landed via TikTok:

I think Cinderella should have lived a happy life with all her animal friends rather than settle for a man who had her try on a shoe because he didn’t recognize her without makeup.

Spotted on Telegram:

I haven’t even gone to bed yet and I already can’t wait to get home from work tomorrow.

Shared recently on Messenger:

All dogs are therapy dogs. The majority are just freelancing.

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Funny Kurt Vonnegut quotes

New funny Kurt Vonnegut quotes 👇

An alcoholic morning show host becoming Secretary of War is some Kurt Vonnegut shit.

All funny Kurt Vonnegut quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

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