22 Funny user quotes

69 shares on Instagram this month:

I love being left to my own devices. It’s like yeah, these are my devices.

81 shares on Instagram this month:

Women will invite you to shower with them, then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed.

30 shares on Instagram this month:

King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.

26 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I don’t need a maid. I just need someone to tell me once a week that they’re coming to visit, and I’ll panic-clean my entire house in less than an hour.

21 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.

44 shares on Twitch this month:

Why do we say ‘slept like a baby’? Babies wake up every two hours crying. I want to sleep like my cat—14 hours, no responsibilities, zero regrets.

56 shares on Threads this month:

When you report something to IT and then hear: “Oh! Interesting. We’ve never seen that before.” Is that good or bad?

66 shares on Pinterest this month:

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

46 shares on Twitch this month:

I can’t be the only person who thinks the presidential debate should be performed as a rap battle.

80 shares on Telegram this month:

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this DM finds you well.