Got a new Roomba but keeping the old one to see if I can get them to fight.

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Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.

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After an hour on this team meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore.

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I’m pretty sure I fall under the percentage of people who’ve eaten the sticker on the apple.

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I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

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It’s all fun and games until your jeans don’t fit any more.

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When I bark at a dog, I always worry that I might have inadvertently said something wrong.

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And for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

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The good old days, when you didn’t have to charge your watch and it didn’t constantly remind you how fat you were.

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Everybody looks like a criminal on the self-checkout camera.

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Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.