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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇫🇷 has viewed:

What happened to the art of just liking one person?

Someone from 🇰🇬 has shared:

Nightmares are so embarrassing. Why is my anxiety working the night shift?

Someone from 🇲🇺 has viewed:

Growing your own tomatoes really is the best way to devote 3 months of your life to saving $2.17.

Someone from 🇷🇼 has downloaded:

It’s so hot that my shadow just went back inside and gave me the finger.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has copied:

Congress taking an entire month off in a country where most people don’t get more than 2 weeks’ vacation is awesome.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has viewed:

Female breasts are nature’s anti-stress balls. The irony is that they are connected to the biggest stress-inducing device.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has downloaded:

Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has viewed:

Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.

Someone from 🇫🇮 has viewed:

You give my middle finger an erection.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has bookmarked:

Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Jan 31, 2026

Users Online

3,490

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Twitch:

This whole week could have been an email.

Spreading quickly via Messenger:

I find pleasure in closing tabs in my wife’s brain. This worry… done. That task… complete.

Seen just now on Discord:

Rent really don’t make no sense. Like, why is my apartment getting a raise every year? Who is doing the performance review?

Seen just now on Facebook:

I could never be in the mafia, those guys stay up way to late.

Trending via Reddit:

Tech bros are frequently wrong but never in doubt.

Trending via Slack:

Why the hell is my laundry bin always full? I’m not even going anywhere.

Making waves on Slack:

Boyfriends sound cool and all, but unfortunately, I enjoy not talking for days at a time.

Shared recently on Discord:

Girl math is avoiding shipping costs by buying more.

Seen just now on TikTok:

I’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard.

Freshly posted on Telegram:

I made a smoothie that needs a spoon.

Having divorced parents as an adult is funny because you and your siblings are like, “Damn, who has custody of Mom today?”

2 weeks ago

Funny Quotes

Playful quote about adult life with divorced parents, highlighting sibling humor and custody jokes.

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Commentary:
When family gatherings start feeling like a parent's scheduling app! 🤔📅😂

adult, custody, divorce, family, Funny, having, humor, mom, parent, parents, sibling, siblings, today

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Social Media Stars ⭐

92 shares on Instagram this month:

Saw a girl in a Franz Ferdinand T-shirt. She couldn’t even name three other main causes of the outbreak of World War I.

52 shares on Threads this month:

I’ve woken up yet again without an emotional support capybara.

12 shares on Snapchat this month:

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

41 shares on Instagram this month:

Transgender ambulance driver whose pronouns are we/you/we/you/we/you.

41 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Can’t. Too busy saving daylight.

68 shares on Twitch this month:

My birth year getting a lil too far on those lil scroll lists. I don’t like that.

40 shares on YouTube this month:

I need a massage for my brain.

15 shares on WhatsApp this month:

Do beavers even know what they’re doing, or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, “Absolutely not”?

68 shares on Slack this month:

Once I see a vein on your forehead while we arguing, I’ll let you be.

85 shares on X this month:

Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant IKEA ball pit.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇦🇲 has bookmarked:

I want to have a penguin that just waddles up to me whenever I’m sad.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has bookmarked:

You can be anything when you grow up. For instance, I am very tired.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has shared:

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list that I was making, and now, I can’t read anything.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has shared:

I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has downloaded:

Mike is short for Micycle.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has bookmarked:

Imagine working at Pornhub. At like the corporate office as a developer or whatever. White collar. That’s gotta be a weird job. Working there has gotta be bloody weird.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has downloaded:

No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work.

Someone from 🇹🇴 has shared:

I just tried on my summer wardrobe. The only thing I managed to get into was a state of panic.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has bookmarked:

My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has shared:

Date idea: you hold my hand while I call the dentist and you tell me I’m so brave.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Threads:

I just finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

Seen just now on YouTube:

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?

Trending via YouTube:

Working as a 911 operator but hanging up when someone starts screaming because I’m an empath, and it overwhelms me.

Just landed via Pinterest:

My doctor told me I should try anger management classes, and I’m still really pissed at him about it.

Live now on Threads:

Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer the term selective participation.

Spreading quickly via Telegram:

I love one-pot recipes. So much less mess than when I was trying to cook things without a pot.

Just landed via Messenger:

I love ordering things online because when they arrive it’s like a present from me to me.

Trending via Telegram:

You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”

Spreading quickly via WhatsApp:

My sleeping pattern isn’t even a pattern anymore. It’s a lifestyle.

Just landed via WeChat:

You get your hands on a real serious pair of scissors and wonder what the hell they were doing with the regular ones.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Having divorced parents as an adult is funny because you and your siblings are like, “Damn, who has custody of Mom today?”

On Halloween, I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice. Only while supplies last.

My southern family thinks my daily routine in NYC is that I wake up, try really hard not to get stabbed by a knife, and then I go see a musical.

I do block people right away; you’re not going to stress me out on my own phone, with my own internet, and in my own house.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back.

I’m sorry your man wears his sunglasses on the back of his head.

An internship is only unpaid if you don’t steal enough.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Having divorced parents as an adult is funny because you and your siblings are like, “Damn, who has custody of Mom today?”

Keep the laugh going 😂

On Halloween, I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice. Only while supplies last.

My southern family thinks my daily routine in NYC is that I wake up, try really hard not to get stabbed by a knife, and then I go see a musical.

I do block people right away; you’re not going to stress me out on my own phone, with my own internet, and in my own house.

You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back.

I’m sorry your man wears his sunglasses on the back of his head.

An internship is only unpaid if you don’t steal enough.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨