I don’t drink alcohol. I like suffering raw.

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All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church.

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I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.

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My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.

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You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.

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I’m not good at quickly making up derogatory names on the fly, unless I’m driving.

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It is very hard to set aside the time to do your taxes when you are really busy doing other things like eating a snack or looking around the room.

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Nothing ruins my day quite like getting out of bed and dealing with people.

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Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat.

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Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

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I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”.