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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇹🇯 has downloaded:

If the math problems are too difficult for me, I post them online and write: “Only 1 in 10 can solve this problem.”

Someone from 🇦🇲 has shared:

Still don’t understand how girls with no jobs be holding iPhones.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has copied:

“This is a great weekend to clean out the garage,” according to my wife and other people who won’t be cleaning the garage.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has downloaded:

They say dress for the job you want, but this baby diaper isn’t very comfortable.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has downloaded:

Nothing tops a plain pizza.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has downloaded:

I love your niche references! Are you typically ignored in large groups, by any chance?

Someone from 🇸🇮 has shared:

My life is ruined. I wish to live no more. Never mind, I found the remote.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has viewed:

Camping: When you spend a small fortune to live like somebody poor.

Someone from 🇹🇷 has shared:

Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads!”

Someone from 🇨🇩 has viewed:

Turns out, college is all about forming unspoken, powerful bonds with people you talk to twice.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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17,765

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15,752

Updated

Jan 20, 2026

Users Online

3,365

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Twitch:

On average, my daily actions demonstrate I’m probably good at something else.

Freshly posted on Messenger:

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was. He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

Trending via Telegram:

Being shy is so annoying. Why is my chest hurting me, because I need to speak in public?

Just landed via X:

If trees offered Wi-Fi, we would plant more of them. Too bad they only produce this oxygen thing.

Broadcasted on Threads:

Home: Where I can look ugly and not care.

Breaking via Reddit:

Now that Christmas and New Year are out of the way, we can focus on the things that really matter: My posts.

Broadcasted on Slack:

Why the hell is it called the restroom? I am fighting for my life in here.

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

I still can’t believe Aldi sells shopping carts for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.

Seen just now on Messenger:

Mid-life crisis? No, no, mid-day crisis. Something happens every day.

I don’t have a five-year plan because every two years I realize I need a different life.

2 months ago

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"Five-year plan? I'm more of a 'five-minute snack break' kind of planner! 📝😂🍕"

change, confidence, decision, different, every, growth, humor, i, life, life decision, life plan, need, personal, personal growth, plan, realize, self-awareness, unexpected

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83 shares on Discord this month:

You miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer.

57 shares on Threads this month:

Finally my winter fat has gone. I now have spring rolls.

65 shares on WhatsApp this month:

My four moods: I’m too old for doing that. I’m too tired for doing that. I’m too sober for doing that. I don’t have time for doing that.

25 shares on Messenger this month:

America is like that TV show that’s been on for too long, and the writers don’t know what to do, so they just make anything happen.

92 shares on Telegram this month:

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

44 shares on X this month:

Please stop adding touchscreens to cars. Most of these idiots can barely drive as it is.

72 shares on Threads this month:

I enjoy excess, but only in moderation.

35 shares on Facebook this month:

I should’ve been an air conditioner because all I do is vent.

24 shares on X this month:

I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.

61 shares on Telegram this month:

I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇬🇪 has shared:

Wishing all the contacts in my phone “Merry Christmas, I hope you get what you deserve” and just letting that work itself out.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has copied:

I did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. WTF, people?

Someone from 🇺🇾 has shared:

Girlfriend says because we got Chinese yesterday, we can’t get it again today. I don’t think that makes sense. They do it in China all the time.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has viewed:

My milkshakes bring all the bots to the yard.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has bookmarked:

I have a man cold. Goodbye, world. Tell my story.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has downloaded:

Unfortunately for everyone, I will keep doing whatever I want.

Someone from 🇾🇪 has shared:

This summer went by so fast, I didn’t even get a chance to lose any weight.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has bookmarked:

I love Queen and David Bowie, but why did they steal that riff from Vanilla Ice?

Someone from 🇳🇵 has viewed:

Some people are like clouds. When they go away it’s much better.

Someone from 🇳🇦 has bookmarked:

My brain has too many tabs open.

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

I’m so single, I have no one to drunk text.

Spotted on Instagram:

Gonna toot my own horn here because I made it through another day without turning any of my feelings into felonies.

Making waves on Threads:

Call me dramatic, but I think I deserve a love confession in the rain.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

Why is the Formula 1 so afraid of rain? Just drive with more caution. That’s what I always do when it rains.

Going bananas on Slack:

Some nights I stay up hella late just farting.

Spotted on WeChat:

It’s hard dating someone who has been single for a long time. Any slight inconvenience, and they’ll crawl back into their peaceful abode. No stress.

Just shared via YouTube:

Germany is now advising people to stock up on cheese and sausages. This is called the Wurst Käse scenario.

Spotted on Slack:

This year, the feliz is not navidading.

Going bananas on LinkedIn:

Shoutout to everyone pretending to have it together. Same.

Seen just now on Messenger:

No, it’s totally fine, Grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today.

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Activity Log ✨

I don’t have a five-year plan because every two years I realize I need a different life.

75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross.

Imagine applying for a job, then not picking up calls from random numbers.

The plan was simple: finish school, find a job and get married at 25. But now I don’t understand anything anymore.

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Activity Log ✨

I don’t have a five-year plan because every two years I realize I need a different life.

Keep the laugh going 😂

75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.

Grateful for independence mostly because British food is gross.

Imagine applying for a job, then not picking up calls from random numbers.

The plan was simple: finish school, find a job and get married at 25. But now I don’t understand anything anymore.

Sometimes I think the subway rat is doing better than me. He has a routine, a social circle, and knows where to find the best pizza.

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