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I donโ€™t like people who take drugs, for example: airport security.

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Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him.

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Having a good heart has done nothing but made me look stupid.

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I enjoy the freedom of speech, because if you let crazy people talk, theyโ€™ll totally tell you theyโ€™re crazy.

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I got fired for telling customers if they wanted โ€œsmoking or non-smokingโ€. Apparently, the correct term in the funeral home business is โ€œcremation or burialโ€.

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Happiness is an inside job.

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Monetizing Twitter was actually the worst thing to happen to this app. Everybody rage-baiting for 23 cents.

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Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick.

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Before I die, Iโ€™m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say โ€œthanks for comingโ€ and other assorted messages of appreciation.

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I always have a bad connection in my head when someone tries to explain a card or board game to me.

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I need carpenters to remember that beds are also for sex. The aesthetics are great and all, but what is with all the squeaking?

I need carpenters to remember that beds are also for sex. The aesthetics are great and all, but what is with all the squeaking?

Commentary:
As an amateur carpenter, I can confirm: beds are known to suffer from performance anxiety! ๐Ÿ›๏ธ๐Ÿ”จ๐Ÿ˜…



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