I see 1000 girls. I know 100 girls. I talk to 10 girls. I love 1 girl. And she doesn’t love me back.

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I enjoy the freedom of speech, because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.

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I don’t like people driving fast—that’s the reason why I overtake them.

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Sailors wish they could swear like me.

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I’m ready for the exciting last 30 seconds of the basketball game, which stretch into 25 minutes of fouls, time-outs, and commercials.

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In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still mad about it.

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It whistles, doesn’t it? Your head when it’s windy.

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The problem with rich people is that I am not one.

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Where do I sign up to be one of those influencers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?

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I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around”.

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Being social sucks all my energy.