I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realized it was a motorbike outside.

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One thing I will never understand about adulthood is how I’m supposed to make appointments if I work full time and every place closes at 6 p.m.

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My door camera alerts are all just me stepping outside to see how warm it is.

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Every squad has that person who has to go home early.

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I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

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Just said “shitted feet” instead of “fitted sheet” in front of my my son and his friends. If you need me, I’ll be in the closet.

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No matter how bad your day seems, just remember that someone out there has line danced to Achy Breaky Heart.

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Sometimes I delay my haircut intentionally to look rugged just to make that glow-up more iconic.