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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇰🇭 has bookmarked:

Don’t hate me because I can fall asleep within seconds; hate me because I can sleep through the night without having to get up to go to the bathroom.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has shared:

Not to brag, but I can shake your hand and forget your name simultaneously.

Someone from 🇲🇰 has downloaded:

My dog is quite vain. Whenever the doorbell rings, he thinks it’s for him.

Someone from 🇲🇹 has viewed:

Of course I wrote a grocery list. I carefully wrote it all down and then didn’t bring it with me, like my mother and her mother before her.

Someone from 🇭🇺 has shared:

The key to happiness: 1/ order a pizza. 2/ eat that pizza. 3/ repeat!

Someone from 🇨🇿 has copied:

If I say I love you, it’s just the apocalypse talking.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has copied:

Back to work at last! I couldn’t sleep for sheer anticipation.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has downloaded:

Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has copied:

Discovering the Spice Girls broke up not over money and fame but lesbianism.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has shared:

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Pinterest:

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

Freshly posted on Discord:

Maybe your soulmate’s just late, like, wildly behind schedule.

Spotted on TikTok:

Unfortunately, I don’t give ugly men a chance, because they wouldn’t give me one if I were the ugly one.

Spotted on Messenger:

I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.

Going viral on Threads:

And for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Spotted on Pinterest:

The first step to recovery is addiction.

Just landed via WhatsApp:

I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right louder.

Trending via Threads:

Your ex is ruining someone else’s life now. You are safe.

Trending via WhatsApp:

Ok, hear me out: a reality show where billionaire CEOs have to live off of their lowest-paid employees’ salaries for a month.

Going viral on WeChat:

Am I just getting old or are people getting more annoying?

If I worked construction, I would always say, “It’s hammer time,” when I left for work.

6 days ago

Funny Quotes

Playful quote about construction humor, imagining saying "It's hammer time" when leaving.

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Commentary:
Nailed it! Let's just hope he doesn't break out into a dance mid-build. 🚧🕺🔨

always, construction, hammer, humor, i, joke, left, phrase, pun, say, time, work

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88 shares on Pinterest this month:

Not being filthy rich is continuing to be a huge inconvenience for me.

10 shares on X this month:

Just pulled a Werther’s Original out of my pocket, like I’m 87 years old.

54 shares on WhatsApp this month:

90% of my thoughts start with: “What can I eat now?”

39 shares on Discord this month:

Me, having zero balance in my account, viewing houses worth 10 million, and being like, “No, I don’t like the kitchen.”

34 shares on Messenger this month:

Nobody is more cold-blooded than a toddler, just saying what they see and feel.

17 shares on Twitch this month:

The word ‘stan’ comes from the Eminem song “Stan” which is about one of his obsessed fans. What if Eminem named the fan ‘Dennis’? We could be saying, “I dennis Beyonce.”

41 shares on Telegram this month:

When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it, but they never stop talking.

79 shares on Slack this month:

Death by a thousand stupid questions.

16 shares on TikTok this month:

It’s only 9am and I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.

23 shares on YouTube this month:

Adulting’s a total scam. Bills, taxes, and a laundry pile that breeds in the dark, were not in the brochure!

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇹 has bookmarked:

The feminine urge to open a coffee shop that’s also a library, a bakery, and a flower shop.

Someone from 🇦🇹 has shared:

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has downloaded:

No kids at my wedding. Gonna Uber the flower girl home when she’s done.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has shared:

How can I be expected to get out of bed when I don’t want to?

Someone from 🇹🇼 has copied:

It’s crazy windy today. Trash is blowing everywhere, so watch out for your ex.

Someone from 🇨🇻 has viewed:

The difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body is that I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

Someone from 🇷🇴 has viewed:

My New Year’s resolution is to procrastinate. I’Il start tomorrow.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has viewed:

We’re so close to “Let’s circle back next year” season, I can taste it.

Someone from 🇻🇺 has bookmarked:

Some people should have read-only access to the internet.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has copied:

My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well, he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Telegram:

Me, aged 20: This is internship summer. I will get an internship. I will find a job. I will study. I will read. I will learn piano. I will… Me, nowadays: This summer, I’m going to try all of the ice cream flavors.

Just landed via WeChat:

Everyone wants a goth girlfriend until she starts doing goth things.

Just shared via Slack:

At least I’m part of the generation that at 30 still looks like it’s in its early 20s.

Trending via WhatsApp:

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

Shared recently on Messenger:

No matter how messed up your situation is, someone on Reddit’s already lived it, cried about it, and made a 3-part update with screenshots and farmed 12k upvotes.

Just shared via X:

Bro, are you a black hole, because you suck energy and light?

Making waves on Reddit:

Grok, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

My mirror needs a screenshot button.

Just shared via Threads:

My favorite things about Texas are definitely toast and chainsaw massacres.

Going viral on Slack:

I’m optimistic, in a pessimistic way.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

If I worked construction, I would always say, “It’s hammer time,” when I left for work.

You know you’re getting old when you get mad at some random car parked outside your house.

No rizz, just pretty eyes and many unsettling things to say.

“You look tired.” Yes, bro, I stayed up all night obsessing over things I have no control over.

My sleeping pattern ain’t even a pattern anymore, it’s a freestyle that’s on shuffle.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

If I worked construction, I would always say, “It’s hammer time,” when I left for work.

Keep the laugh going 😂

You know you’re getting old when you get mad at some random car parked outside your house.

No rizz, just pretty eyes and many unsettling things to say.

I have two reactions when I leave the house: Ew, the people. Ew, the weather.

“You look tired.” Yes, bro, I stayed up all night obsessing over things I have no control over.

My sleeping pattern ain’t even a pattern anymore, it’s a freestyle that’s on shuffle.

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

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