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“Thanks for your payment!” Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

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Spell your crush’s name backwards, mine is yenom.

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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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They say money canโ€™t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself?

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I treat people the way I want to be treated by not leaving the house.

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Keep posting, Iโ€™m diagnosing you.

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I believe my ex-wife is days away from having a nuclear weapon.

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It’s a little ironic when you consider that the Internet was invented to save time.

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Anybody else not stopped farting this evening? Asking for a friend.

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My favorite part of Spring is its rolls.

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If Iโ€™m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.

If Iโ€™m reading my Twitter feed correctly, Jennifer Aniston killed JFK.

Commentary:
Oh, the mysteries of Twitter! ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ•ต๏ธโ€โ™€๏ธ Who knew Jennifer Aniston had such hidden talents? ๐Ÿ˜‚ Maybe she time-traveled back to the '60s for a guest role in the biggest plot twist of the century! ๐Ÿ•ฐ๏ธ๐ŸŽฌ #ConspiracyAniston



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