If you get hangovers, it’s because you drank the beers with impure intentions and heavy karmic debt.

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I love diss tracks because it’s basically two dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

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How do you react when you see someone you respect on an e-scooter?

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I’m of the very strong opinion that sex ed should be taught by a woman 37 weeks into her third pregnancy, while her husband sits scrolling through his phone, and her other two children run wild.

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I didn’t get the part of the brain that lets you relax, just the one that overthinks.

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I actually do check to see if you told me happy birthday before I tell you.

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I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later, my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

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I’m just a girl, standing in front of a Monday, asking it to be a Friday.

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The human body requires so much maintenance. Who designed this thing?

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When you drink red wine from a cup, it looks like fruit tea and you are also admired by others for your healthy lifestyle.

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Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.