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Boobs always win. That’s why we don’t play rock, paper, boobs.

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Got possessed by a demon once, and everyone was like, “OMG, did you do something with your hair?”

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Wisdom of the day: Don’t do anything you don’t want to explain to the paramedic.

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If there’s ever an alien invasion, I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

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I modeled my morning routine on the humble rooster. Wake up, scream, wander around.

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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.

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My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

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Summer: 10 minutes outside, 10 hours in front of the AC.

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The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.

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The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.