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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇸 has viewed:

You ever get into such a weird mood you have to put yourself on house arrest for a couple days?

Someone from 🇪🇬 has copied:

“Would you like to check your account balance?” God no. My balance is none of my business.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has bookmarked:

Everyone’s “the nicest guy ever” until the cops are in their backyard digging up several bodies.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has viewed:

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has shared:

Your honor, my client doesn’t like jail.

Someone from 🇨🇺 has copied:

The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has bookmarked:

An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

Someone from 🇹🇭 has downloaded:

If she has Bukowski on her nightstand, she will devour you.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has downloaded:

Hey (with the intention of getting ice cream).

Someone from 🇹🇳 has bookmarked:

I don’t always whoop, but when I do, there it is.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Jan 31, 2026

Users Online

3,356

Social Media Log 💫

Seen just now on Threads:

All income is disposable if you’re brave enough.

Going bananas on WeChat:

(to the boys in the yard) I hope you brought your own milkshake.

Shared recently on WeChat:

Luckily, I realized that all this love I want to pour into someone else was actually meant for me.

Shared recently on X:

I am an influencer. If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you. Do better.

Shared recently on Discord:

Farmers markets should be for vegetables — not for millennials unloading their failed Etsy-store arts and crafts.

Going viral on Twitch:

A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.

Making waves on WhatsApp:

Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her.

Freshly posted on Messenger:

It’s important to fuel your body with essential nutrients, which can be found in cookies, chips, and candy.

Going bananas on Snapchat:

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Spotted on Facebook:

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.

I’m never drinking again, unless something is going on later today.

13 hours ago

Funny Quotes

Witty quote about questionable drinking choices and last-minute plans, humorous and playful.

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Commentary:
"Promises made after a night of regrets and headaches! 🍻😅 #JustOneMoreTime #TheStruggleIsReal"

activity, again, drinking, fun, going, humor, later, never, promise, something, today

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Social Media Stars ⭐

10 shares on Pinterest this month:

Got a botched circumcision, now my willy wonka.

49 shares on WeChat this month:

Why can’t more dumb people be shy?

31 shares on YouTube this month:

Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.

39 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I like to keep my wife guessing by walking around the backyard carrying a ladder and a chainsaw.

94 shares on Reddit this month:

I feel like I’ve skipped the whole ‘go out and have fun’ stage and went straight to being an 80-year-old woman.

24 shares on Pinterest this month:

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn. Just go around me, man.

95 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Have to wear real clothes on Monday. Pray for me.

62 shares on TikTok this month:

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

49 shares on X this month:

I wish tree puns were more poplar.

19 shares on Slack this month:

Don’t forget to tell yourself more lies today.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇭🇺 has copied:

If you respond to my sarcasm with better sarcasm, then I might just catch feelings.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has copied:

Job posting: $15/hr for master’s degree. Burrito menu: $23 for bean and cheese burrito.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has viewed:

They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has viewed:

I am physically, mentally and emotionally ready to enter a new phase in my life…. hibernation.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has downloaded:

Feels like if cicadas are allowed to just sit in a tree and scream, I should also be.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has shared:

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has shared:

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has downloaded:

The perfect number of cats is two stupid cats. Preferably siblings. But they can’t both be the same type of stupid. One needs to be stupid (dumb) and one needs to be stupid (annoying).

Someone from 🇸🇴 has shared:

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic, now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Someone from 🇰🇬 has bookmarked:

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on LinkedIn:

Not to brag, but I can put my socks on without sitting down.

Going viral on Slack:

I want a president who promises no jobs. I don’t want to have a job.

Shared recently on Messenger:

All my life lessons were learned by watching people who took my advice.

Going viral on Messenger:

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

Seen just now on WhatsApp:

Sorry, can’t. Waiting for my clothes to come back into style again.

Live now on X:

It’s unfortunate that scrubbing the floors on your hands and knees is so much more effective than mopping.

Spotted on Telegram:

I have so much planned today that I was already tired thinking of it yesterday.

Shared recently on Telegram:

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies?

Seen just now on WeChat:

I usually don’t flirt, so if I flirt with you, please cooperate.

Going bananas on Instagram:

I don’t do exercise because one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I’m never drinking again, unless something is going on later today.

Sometimes I just want a man to talk to me in the same voice he uses to talk to his dog.

Now if you’ll excuse me, today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

People who talk about fruit having too much sugar scare me so bad. Please get back, you wicked witch!

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

Whenever I lose my faith in justice, I look at the high school beauties from back then today. Then I’m fine again.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

I’m never drinking again, unless something is going on later today.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Sometimes I just want a man to talk to me in the same voice he uses to talk to his dog.

Now if you’ll excuse me, today’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.

People who talk about fruit having too much sugar scare me so bad. Please get back, you wicked witch!

Accidentally turned my clocks back too far and ended up at a Wham concert.

I can’t flirt, but I’ll awkwardly giggle at everything you say.

Whenever I lose my faith in justice, I look at the high school beauties from back then today. Then I’m fine again.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨