Imagine a refund on all the money you spent on alcohol.

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Outside letting mosquitoes get some of this.

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Rain cancels plans, upsetting some and delighting others.

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What I lack in moves on the dance floor, I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation.

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If you say “awesome sauce” on a first date, you’ll still have that lucky condom in your wallet tomorrow.

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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.

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I’m not built to work, I’m built to brood in a castle with all my unread books.

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If you scroll Twitter long enough, you too can burn calories by shaking your head.