It’s Friday. I ran out of small talk on Tuesday. Please leave me alone.

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Sorry, can’t go out tonight. My bed told me it needs me, and I can’t let it down.

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I can resist everything except temptation.

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It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man.

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Monday? But, I wasn’t even finished with Saturday yet.

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I’m gonna start telling men I know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy.

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They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes!

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The way that we’re constantly told not to eat silica gel makes me suspect that it contains all the world’s forbidden knowledge.

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Dad Hack: Get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.

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There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.

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The state of my house can best be described as “there seems to have been a struggle”.