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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇹🇹 has viewed:

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

Someone from 🇭🇺 has bookmarked:

“Can you multitask?” Yes, actually I am losing my mind and chilling at the same time.

Someone from 🇱🇰 has copied:

Can I sell my feelings on ebay, I don’t want them anymore.

Someone from 🇫🇲 has viewed:

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has viewed:

When I like a song, I repeat it until the artist comes out and ask for water.

Someone from 🇲🇦 has viewed:

My laundry is done, but I don’t even want it anymore. The washing machine can keep it.

Someone from 🇰🇪 has viewed:

For financial reasons, I will be passing away.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has bookmarked:

I used to judge cat owners for giving in to their pets’ whims too easily, but holy shit, these animals are relentless and would starve themselves to organ failure just because one time, weeks ago, they had a taste of some ‘better’ food.

Someone from 🇭🇹 has copied:

In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”

Someone from 🇨🇬 has copied:

Kim Kardashian wants her ashes to be scattered in the sea after her death. As if there wasn’t enough plastic there already.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Broadcasted on Instagram:

I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.

Seen just now on Reddit:

Sitting with my legs really wide to experiment with gender.

Going viral on X:

They need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis.

Shared recently on Reddit:

Be the funny, awkward silence breaker you want to see in the world.

Just shared via Snapchat:

The Epstein files are real, but they can’t figure out how to convert them to a PDF.

Breaking via LinkedIn:

I’ve been commissioned to kiss you on the lips. I need to get this done by tonight.

Making waves on X:

Butterflies all seem so nice but I’ll bet some of them are real bastards.

Live now on Threads:

Went for a walk. Very pleasant evening. The squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. That stung a little. I will remember their faces.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

Not to brag, but I skipped my mid-life crisis and went straight to cranky old man.

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

Some of you are still single because, when someone sends you romantic words, you reply with “hahaha.”

Job hunting has legitimately been the most demoralizing experience of my life. Nothing else will make you realize how little you can actually do.

4 weeks ago

Witty quote about the frustrations of job hunting, highlighting its humorous demoralization.

Download image ↓

Commentary:
So true, job hunting really is just adult hide-and-seek where the jobs do all the hiding. 🔍🤷‍♂️😂

actually, demoralization, else, experience, frustration, humor, hunting, job, job hunting, job search, life, life experience, little, most, nothing, personal, personal reflection, realize, reflection, search, self-doubt

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92 shares on Telegram this month:

I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they can’t understand.

98 shares on Slack this month:

Maybe I prefer my ducks scattered about.

45 shares on Instagram this month:

My mom asked me to hand out invitations for my brother’s surprise birthday party, and that’s when I realized he was the favorite twin.

37 shares on YouTube this month:

“A healthy lifestyle is all about balance,” I say as I drive through Taco Bell after working out.

92 shares on Reddit this month:

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.

12 shares on X this month:

The hardest part of corporate life is pretending to care about things that don’t matter.

60 shares on Instagram this month:

I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.

88 shares on LinkedIn this month:

My running speed is very slow because the Discman wasn’t allowed to shake in the past.

68 shares on Telegram this month:

Being alone is my favourite way of being.

27 shares on Instagram this month:

I feel like an adult spelling bee would humble a lot of us.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇭🇹 has copied:

TikTok? I still call it a watch.

Someone from 🇧🇩 has copied:

Do you also have teenagers whose styling motto is: freeze to death for coolness?

Someone from 🇧🇴 has downloaded:

Behind every great tweet is a person rolling their eyes.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has shared:

To be happy as a man, you simply need to replace your screen time with beautiful women time.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has downloaded:

People who get 0-5 likes at max and still tweet all the time… What’s your secret?

Someone from 🇯🇴 has viewed:

The people who are $30 trillion in debt are giving you a credit score.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has copied:

Why can’t my fat leave me like everything else does?

Someone from 🇬🇳 has copied:

That awkward moment between birth and death.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has downloaded:

Life is so draining, you fix one problem, here come 12 more.

Someone from 🇦🇲 has shared:

I love Pinterest. No opinions. No bad vibes. Just pretty pictures.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Reddit:

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

Shared recently on Slack:

I used to question authority, but now I question everything.

Going viral on Threads:

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

Freshly posted on TikTok:

I love people who refuse to follow the crowd. The crowd is always lost, follow your inner compass.

Live now on Discord:

By the way, if you don’t buy anything on Black Friday, you can save up to 100%.

Just shared via YouTube:

If they can bring back the dire wolf, they can bring back Norm Macdonald.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real: Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

Going viral on Slack:

Eating spaghetti to forgetti my regretti.

Going bananas on Reddit:

The year number is getting too big, let’s do another Jesus soon.

Making waves on Discord:

Dropped my skinny boyfriend between the bed and the wall like a vape or a TV remote.

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Job hunting has legitimately been the most demoralizing experience of my life. Nothing else will make you realize how little you can actually do.

According to “The Hobbit”, Gollum was once a handsome young man who was robbed of his youth, zest for life and energy by putting on a ring. Men, think about it!

If Microsoft Edge is brave enough to ask to be your default browser, you can be brave enough to ask that girl out.

At my age, “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what you came in there for.

I don’t know who is writing my story, but they got to throw in a win somewhere or put the pen down. I need a break.

I miss when The Weeknd was making sex-addict-on-drugs music.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

Job hunting has legitimately been the most demoralizing experience of my life. Nothing else will make you realize how little you can actually do.

Keep the laugh going 😂

According to “The Hobbit”, Gollum was once a handsome young man who was robbed of his youth, zest for life and energy by putting on a ring. Men, think about it!

If Microsoft Edge is brave enough to ask to be your default browser, you can be brave enough to ask that girl out.

At my age, “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering what you came in there for.

I don’t know who is writing my story, but they got to throw in a win somewhere or put the pen down. I need a break.

Viewing someone’s LinkedIn after they’ve viewed yours to assert dominance.

I miss when The Weeknd was making sex-addict-on-drugs music.

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