Job market so bad, I started following my dreams.

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I would rather walk directly into the ocean than tell people a fun fact about myself.

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Whoever first said, “I’m in a pickle,” must have had the weirdest day.

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Maybe your soulmate’s just late, like, wildly behind schedule.

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I can’t think of a single email that has ever found me well.

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Unfollowers, take me with you!

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Just imagine how great life would be if pizza made you skinny.

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I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.

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Eat whatever you want. If someone calls you fat, eat them too.

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People who can fall asleep quickly freak me out… I mean, don’t they have thoughts?

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Hungry me has no respect for bathroom scale me.